My New Year’s resolution has always been to NOT make resolutions.

This year will be no different.

Every year on December 31st, I shake my head in disgust, asking myself how I’ve wasted another year of my life. I wonder if the new year ahead is going to be better than the last. On January 1st, I tell myself, “this year things can’t be as bad as they were last year”, but somehow stuff always seems to happen.

I always hope for the best and try to find the bright side of things. I try so incredibly hard to stay positive. I convince myself each January 1st that negativity is just a matter of perspective. Unfortunately, thanks to whatever I did wrong in another life (or this one), karma or some other unseen force continues to punish me.

In other words, I often have many negative things to reflect upon.  

I know things could always be worse than I have it. I have a roof over my head, I have a car, I have a job, I have food. I know I have many blessings, and I recognize there are many others out there with much less than I have, but I’m not worried about them.

I feel for those less fortunate, but I worry most about ME.

It’s not that I don’t care about others, because I really do, but I don’t live with them. I live with ME. What’s messed up is I don’t cry over what I don’t have. I stress over what I DO have. Health problems, relationship issues, financial dilemmas, anxiety and depression are all things which linger in my life.

January 1st is often an unwanted reminder of these things.

I can’t place blame or say it’s no fault of mine because I’ve dug my own holes, but one thing I’ve learned about January 1st over the past few years is not to be too overly optimistic for the upcoming year. Despite my knowing better, I ask myself the same question every year…

How did I get where I’m at?

I realize perspective is a two way street and I know I should reflect more on the positive, but it’s hard. With each passing year, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

At this point in my life, I’d be happy to just merely exist, rather than constantly struggle, yet my life is all about struggle. It’s a constant uphill battle of trying to keep my head above water while someone is standing over me trying to hold it under. I know the world will never be perfect, but for more than just a few hours at a time I’d like to know how it feels to be truly happy.

When I say “happy” I’m not talking about a fleeting moment in time. I’m referring to how it feels to be genuinely content with life. I’d like to know how it feels to not be stressed every day due to fighting personal demons which leave a big dark cloud blocking the my sunshine of my life.

I get that everyone has problems, but mine don’t ever seem to go away. They just compound. That’s what I mean by “stressing over what I do have”.

I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I suppose I could make a resolution saying I’ll try to change things, to strive for better or something along those lines, but why bother. Words are words and talk is cheap. In my world, I’ll continue to fight the good fight, but I need the planets and stars to be aligned just right for anything to really change.

When people tell me “Happy New Year”, I AM optimistic, but I usually just politely respond with “we’ll see”.

~ Marty ~