With so many Nigerian princes and banks trying to find Americans to share their unclaimed wealth and inheritance, I want to make it easier for them…
Sending these unsolicited e-mails to millions of strangers seems like such a hassle for those writing them, but I have a plan to simplify the process.
Whether it’s a windfall inheritance left behind by third world royalty, unclaimed bank funds (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve simply forgotten about my Nigerian bank accounts) or miscellaneous funds left over from corporate accounts or investments, I’m ready to help.
I’m going to Nigeria so I can collect all the money in person!
Think about it. They won’t have to seek out random strangers by e-mail to claim all the money because I’ll be right there! I’ll bring them copies of my birth certificate, social security card, driver’s license, bank statements, and whatever else they need to process the transactions.
And of course, I surely won’t forget the cash and blank international money orders to cover the processing fees. The last thing I’d want is for the banks there to lose any money when they’re doing me such a huge favor.
If you think you’re going to try to steal my idea, think again. I’m typing this on my private jet while en route to Nigeria (I put the fee for the jet on my credit card – I’ll pay the bill later after I have all the unclaimed money).
I met a nice man named Afolabi who told me he is the Supreme Honorable CEO of Nigerian Finance. He said he will be happy to hold all my belongings upon my arrival in Lagos. How lucky was I to get an e-mail from someone of this caliber, simply from posting my desire to help on some Nigerian Facebook groups? I’ll be sure to give him a little tip for helping me out.
I know you’re jealous you didn’t think of this first, but don’t worry.
I’m willing to share my new found wealth with you because I surely won’t be able to spend all of the money myself. Just e-mail all your personal information and bank account numbers to me to get the process started.
Oh, and I’ll of course need an up front $500 processing fee to help cover the international exchange taxes. It’s merely a small formality for the riches you’ll be blessed with. You can make payment by Pay Pal, wired funds or with pizza gift cards.
Written by Marty Augustine
NOTE: In case you didn’t figure it out, this article is satirical. Please don’t send me your personal information and bank accounts. As for sending money, well, I won’t argue with that. Same goes for pizza gift cards. I’ll take those. But in all seriousness, you, like I, have probably received many of these e-mails. All you can do is look at the humor of it because as sad it is, people do actually fall for these scams.
Marty is a Kansas City based writer and entertainer. If you like this article, please feel free to “like”, comment and share it with your family, friends & strangers. Perhaps you’ll even subscribe to be notified when new articles are added!