Coffee has become such a staple of “normal” life, it’s almost like insulting someone’s mother to say you don’t drink it. But being that I’m far from “normal”, I’m okay with being an outcast.

It happens all the time.

At Work: “Oh my God, I need some coffee, come on, let’s go get some”

Meeting People: “Hey, let’s meet at the coffee shop”

In Restaurants: “Would you like to start out with some coffee?”

My answer is always the same: “No thanks. I don’t drink coffee. 

The usual response is something like “oh, um, okay. Really? You don’t drink coffee?”

I hate having to explain myself in situations like that, but I always have to.


I have no reason other than I just don’t like coffee.

“Man, you’re missing out on SOOOOO much.”

No, I’m really not.

For that matter, I don’t like hot chocolate either. In fact, I don’t even care much for chocolate in general. (whaaaaaaaat? As the world shrieks). We won’t get into those stories right now though. That’s a whole different level.

Then there’s the biggest insult – what happens if I’m around a coffee maker when someone walks in the room.

“Did you put some new coffee on?”

“Nope, sure didn’t.”

You’d think I just insulted their mother.

So goes the story of my life…

Written by Marty Augustine



Hi, I’m Marty.  I’m a writer and entertainer based in Kansas City. I write a variety of articles about totally random topics. Some are silly, some are serious. I hope you’ll follow me for more! If you enjoyed this article, feel free to “like”, comment and share with everyone you know! Thanks for reading it!