Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Jason Statham are huge draws at the theater, but the Fast & Furious franchise is ready to have a new action hero…
It’s obviously a match made in heaven. It makes you wonder how they’ve made as many movies as they have without this ruggedly handsome rising star. Who is this God-like embodiment of a man?
It’s ME, of course…
Look how well I fit in with the crew.
Do you see how Charlize Theron is checking me out in the picture? It’s not easy being a heartthrob, but I guess it comes with the territory being an action hero. I’ll just have to get used to.
It all makes perfect sense to have me in the franchise. The entire story is pretty much based on my life, but I’ve yet to see any royalties from the films despite my attempts to collect.
The lawyers from the movie studio tell me I’m nuts. I can’t deny that, but they also tried to point out some things which I find fault with.
They said they’ve never met me.
Oh, okay. Maybe they haven’t met me, but they could have heard about me…
We’ll ignore the fact that I drive a discount Hyundai, not a super fast fancy hot rod, but the producers wouldn’t know what I drove unless they were watching me, in which case it would prove they knew about me!
Let’s also ignore the fact that I live in Kansas, not Los Angeles, but maybe I DID live in California (which I did). Ahhh…the plot thickens.
I suppose we’ll also ignore the fact that I don’t run a high profile criminal organization too. That’s a moot point though because they didn’t come up with that idea until later in the franchise, but what if I DID travel the world as part of super secret CIA operation to catch terrorists?
I couldn’t confirm or deny that, now could I?
I will give them one bone: I’m not involved in a relationship with Michelle Rodriguez like Vin Diesel was in the movies, but I will admit I did have a thing for Jordana Brewster early on. That reminds me, she hasn’t been returning my calls.
All I’ll say is Vin Diesel better appreciate the material I’ve given them to work with. I mean really, the Fast & Furious franchise made his career. For that matter, The Rock owes me some thanks too. He’s even got his own spin off.
We won’t even get into the part of how I think they based Chronicles of Riddick on me too. No wait, I think I imagined that one. But I think Fast & The Furious was totally me.
I don’t know how much more proof is needed to prove my case.
I drive cars.
I’ve been to Los Angeles.
I need your support to show the studios just how much they need me!
This was written by Marty Augustine, the fastest and the most furious.
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