Pizza is usually the solution to all of life’s problems, but it also can cause a few problems if you’re not careful.
Pizza is the most magical of all foods. It satisfies hunger, it improves your mood, and it’s just an all around fun food to make and eat. It pains me to write something negative about the food that has brought me so much joy.
I often research odd topics. While in the midst of something, I came across some interesting statistics by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission.
In 2017, 2,300 people went to emergency rooms in the United States as a result of pizza related injuries.
According to the statistics, injuries included, but were not limited to: cuts and burns, falls while carrying pizza, falls in pizza restaurants, and the most interesting one, falling out of bed while reaching for pizza (we’ve all been there, right?).
As I pondered this disturbing information, I thought back to my own life, to which I can sadly relate. I can remember a couple of times where I thought to myself “man, pizza cutters are really sharp” (because they ARE). I usually said this when cleaning my pizza utensils, though I may have cut hand a time or two while cutting a pizza too (don’t ask how). Does it happen often? Let’s just say I’ve done it more than once, especially the cleaning part.
And haven’t we all reached into the oven to remove a pizza without an oven mitt (please tell me I’m not the only one). I know I’m not alone when it comes to biting into a hot, steaming slice as you feel like the roof of your mouth is on fire. I’ve also slipped on the ice a time or two carrying my pizza in winter, though I’ve not fallen in a restaurant (yet). The injury that eludes me is the falling out of bed. As much as I enjoy my pizza, I’ve never thought to place a pizza on my night stand (though I am now inspired to do so).
Don’t misinterpret this information. Pizza loves you.
When I read things like this, I think about how stupid it sounds, but if I can relate to it, I’m sure others can too. I’ve just never felt the need to seek professional emergency medical attention for my ignorance (with regard to pizza at least). Please note, the key word in that sentence is “professional” emergency medical attention. My home first aid kit has seen some things that can’t be unseen.
The sad thing is, the information for the stats is legit (it came from the government…why would they lie?). The information was compiled by 96 U.S. hospitals who tracked their patient intake. If I presented in the emergency room, I would hopefully come up with a better story than simply cutting myself with a pizza cutter. I would say I was juggling, or maybe a ghost threw it at me. I would think of SOMETHING creative at least, knowing my injury is going to get reported to the “odd” statistics list.
I tried to find more current stats, but couldn’t (mainly because I was tired). I also tried to find more info on the specific methods of injury, but I came up blank. It makes you wonder if the injuries were all people like me who innocently experienced a moment of carelessness, or something more along the classic American line of, “look what I can do” (not that Americans do that ever).
Pizza is like a big dog.
It will be your best friend and it will love you forever, but only if you treat it right.
Respect the pizza.
And don’t be that person who ends up in the ER because of a pizza.
Marty Augustine is a Kansas City based writer, entertainer and pizza connoisseur
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