Some researchers have way too much time on their hands, as shown by some of the studies referenced here.

A major TV news outlet recently ran a story reporting findings which showed the number of school shootings are down tremendously in 2020, with the largest drop occurring in April.

Umm, could that be because most schools were closed since mid-March?

That may illicit a giggle as you say “duh”, but to get to the true “meat and potatoes” of stupid studies, I give you this; Marc-Antoine Fardin of the University of Lyon won a Nobel prize in 2017 for his study asking the question of “Can a Cat Be Both a Solid and a Liquid?” His study proved that since felines adopt the shapes of their containers, they’re technically both a solid and liquid. This is actually good to know; in case I want to cram a cat into a random confined space.

Yes my friends, this is real. An actual Nobel prize in physics was awarded for this.

I think I’m in the wrong business. Life would be so much better for me if I could get a government grant to do research on ridiculous topics. Maybe I could do a study to see if eating reduces hunger. Or maybe I can do a study to see if hitting myself in the head with a hammer causes brain damage. No wait, I already did that one, but I wasn’t paid for it. Regardless, somebody is getting paid lots of money to do stupid research like this, and chances are probably good they’re funded by tax dollars.

Here’s another.

A 2008 neurological study on patients with Parkinson’s disease found that higher priced placebos were more effective than cheap ones. I actually found this one interesting because I curiously wonder how you calculate the effect of something which has no effect against something else which also has no effect. Hmmm…

Did you know you can stop a nose bleed by stuffing uncooked bacon up in your nostril?

True story.

Someone had to prove that.

Back to some recent shenanigans, a study found people who have been quarantined at home have gained weight because they were not exercising while eating more. This is groundbreaking research. Who ever would’ve thought such a thing would happen.

How about this one; a vehicle parked illegally is more likely to get a citation than one that is legally parked. On that same note, do you think it’s possible that someone who commits a crime is more likely to be arrested than someone who doesn’t? Lets do a study! Too late. Someone already did. A truly enlightening research study also found people in prison were more likely to commit crimes than those who were not in prison.

Did you know people who stop breathing are more likely to die than those who are breathing. I’m glad there are scientists looking out for us. These are facts to blow your friends minds.

Here’s yet another law enforcement related fact which required a funded research study: People who consumed alcoholic beverages or drugs had higher levels of arrests for driving under the influence (DUI) than those who did not.

Again, this is serious scientific study. Someone with a PhD level education felt these studies needed to be done.

Here’s another interesting statistic to make you look smart; Most people are alive because they were born and aren’t dead yet. Ponder that!

On a more fun note, while you’re searching for random stuff on the ol’ interwebby, look up some psychological studies from the 1950’s and 60’s. This is some pretty sick and twisted stuff that makes for good reading. Torturing people (including babies and kids) and animals was normal and well funded by the government, but it was in the name of science, so it makes it all okay I guess.

I’ll leave you with one more classic. Researchers did a study which found the colder a temperature is, the more likely people are to bundle up in clothing layers to keep warm.

Yes, this is science at it’s best.

Stay smart my peeps!

~ Marty ~


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